Posted in post

A Simple Request

You beckoned and I came running, so willing I was to do whatever was necessary to keep you happy.
At first I gave you my attention.
Following you around like a lost puppy, hanging on your every word and listening to the sound of your voice as you spoke softly and beautifully, I was glad to give you the importance I felt you so rightly deserved.
Then, I gave you my thoughts.
Day and night my mind would have its dalliances with the thought of you, your smile, your laugh, all of you.
After this I gave you my heart even though it was of no use to you. Then I gave you my time, I gave you my tears, I gave you my words. Slowly but surely, I gave it all to you.
So now, I stand here with nothing left to give and a simple request.
You can keep everything else, just give me back my sanity.

Posted in Note on

Note On: What Happens When Friendships Fail

It’s been a long time but it’s finally time for another installment in the Note On series. They say that friends are the family you choose and that has been my motto for the entire stretch of my adolescent life. In recent times I’ve come to trust and become closer to  my friends more than anyone in my real family. But as with all friendships there comes the danger of the volatility of the connection you share. After all, family is connected by blood and no matter how relations sour, that fact remains inevitable.

This also means that this family you build for yourself has the power to rip itself apart. On many an occasion I’ve had members of my second family tear up our relationship and leave me shocked, on my knees, wondering what just happened. At times, it was a childhood best friend who forgot my existence. Other times, it was a new friend who suddenly turned cold and joined the popular table that mocked me through my middle school years. Even more so, i have been caught between two of my nearest and dearest friends and their petty rivalries which caused a rift irreparable.

What’s common between these different instances is the fear, the pain, the loss of something so vital and so infused in your daily life. It’s left me scarred in ways i cannot comprehend where I think twice, no thrice before I let myself add someone to my second family. But I’m getting better now. I’m slowly learning to trust in others, bit by bit, piece by piece.

Posted in poetry

Shirtsleeves

This poem isn’t a work of mine but rather it was written by a dear friend of mine after an intense discussion of the harrowing nature of my problems one day. I really loved it and so i’d like to share it. I feel like it captures my feelings really well.

 

Tears and holes on both our sleeves,

I mend yours forevermore.

Rinse or tumble dry?

Like it matters, I’ll never be your favorite shirt.

Set temperature, as cold as your heart, as warm as your smile,

As hot as the tears on my sleeves.

 

Patchwork on those tears and holes

I’ve finally mended my sleeves

But the seams were too weak, too loose, too worn out.

It couldn’t cover up the bruises and wounds,

The night time terrors and ink stained hands.

 

Sewn the tears and holes shut

But the scars remain forever a bump on my sleeves, my paper skin.

There are new buttons though:

Shiny, velvety, big and small –

Each one from somewhere new, someone new.

 

A year later my sleeves don’t fit me anymore

And my buttons don’t twinkle.

“Get a new shirt”, they say,

But I don’t like any of these shirts,

I love my old shirt with its patchwork and buttons.

 

I do find a new shirt though:

Soft and gentle on my paper skin,

Warm and loving on my ink stained hands,

Delicate and careful with my sleeves

(Where I wear my heart).

Posted in post

With or without you

Looking back over the past few months I see you everywhere – in my thoughts, on my phone, by my side, so it becomes even stranger when I have to put you away from me.
The distance is a necessary precaution though.
You’re like my kryptonite and your glow makes me weak.
So I push you away.
I put up barriers so you can’t see me cry. I dodge corners when I see you pass but I still take a moment to gaze upon you.
But I feel an itch when I’m sitting idle, an itch to reach out to you, to talk to you, to forget whatever has passed and just let myself bask in that very glow that makes me weak.
Why do you have such a power over me?
It’s become sort of like a paradox of sorts, a dilemma if I may say so. I can’t live with you but i can’t live without you.

Posted in poetry

What happens when friendships fail

Been best friends since grade three.

Now he won’t even look at me.

Shuns my attempts to no avail.

This is what happens when friendships fail…

 

Didn’t stop the bullying, in fact, she joined.

All the nasty terms for me she has coined.

Her insults have left me frail.

This is what happens when friendships fail…

 

The awkward silences and an awkward glance,

As you both do this dance.

Rain down on each other like hail.

This is what happens when friendships fail…

 

Both have been broken and lost,

But neither is willing to be the one to defrost.

The bitterness leaves a steady trail.

This is what happens when friendships fail…

 

Take the memories and throw them away.

As you cry when times are gray.

Previous emotions go stale.

This is what happens when friendships fail.

Posted in poetry

Keep Me Hanging on

Stuck, can’t seem to walk away.

Captivated, something about you makes me stay.

Hypnotized, can’t seem to grasp it, why to you I am drawn

But you keep me hanging on.

 

My steely resolution to avoid heartbreak crumbled

When I came across you I stumbled.

For the longest time over you I did fawn

But you keep me hanging on.

 

Now I stand at a crossroad, can’t make up my mind.

Do I continue my hopeless pursuit or let you go?

My love for you has got me in a bind.

What’s the right path I just don’t know.

 

Stuck between the dusk and the dawn

But you keep me hanging on.

 

 

 

Posted in post

Dear You,

“Shhhhh” i said to my heart as it cried frantically, reaching out desperately towards you the first time my unworthy eyes laid themselves upon you. But it would not listen and that is the point where the rest of the story was determined. Maybe if my heart had listened to me then it wouldn’t be the pulverized mess it is now.

I made the biggest mistake of all however, when i allowed myself to dream. Whisked away by you in my thoughts as if you were my prince at the ball. But look at how things are now. You’ve found another prince to dance with and i’m forced to sit by and watch. Crushed dreams, crushed hopes, you crushed my heart. The funny part is that i don’t think you meant to.

Tears i’ve cried in regret, in anger, in yearning and it’s really taken a toll on me. How can i forgive all the heartbreak? at the same time how can i forget how i felt and still feel? You’re like the forbidden fruit just out of reach that i crave but am deprived of.

It has been a real rollercoaster ride loving you, with unbelievable highs but mostly soul crushing lows. But every time the ride slows down and threatens to stop, i stay on not willing to give up the tiny shred of hope that still persists. When will i learn that for me there is no chance of being loved by you? I wait for myself to gain some sense and leave, just turn away but every time your magnetic pull draws me back in no matter how much i fight it.

So now here i am on the floor sweeping the broken pieces of my heart into a dustpan so i can go and glue it back together. You still stand indifferent and unknowing of my condition in the arms of your other. I know that my fix will only be temporary as it is only a matter of time before i become engrossed in you again and as per the status quo, you break my heart again.

Posted in poetry

Sorry For My Dishonesty

When you bury me six feet under

Know my secrets die with me.

I carry them zip lipped forever;

Away for the world to never see.

 

I omit for your safety.

Know that secrets come with a price.

Perhaps that’s why the pretty die young.

Because they’re walking on thin ice.

 

Burdens that I carry,

Know that only I am to blame.

As for me there’s no escaping

The regret and the shame.

 

Desire and reason don’t see eye to eye.

Know that you I yearn to tell.

But reason wins this time

And every other time as well.

Posted in poetry

Fickle Mind, Fickle Heart

Why must I be cursed this way?

To ache and ponder everyday

Torn asunder by emotion and thought

Screams inside my soul, vulnerable and distraught

 

They say the heart wants what it wants,

But I can’t bear anymore its snickering taunts.

Because my heart knows no better ,

And throws it all away for it cannot have ever.

 

Never able to make my mind up,

That’s why things tend to blowup.

“Get yourself checked, you’re crazy” They say.

And they’re very well right I daresay.

 

As much as I try in this game to be smart,

It weighs deeply on me. It tears me apart.

Don’t know where to stop and where to start.

Just rolling along with fickle mind and fickle heart.