It really does strike me sometimes how true the comparison of life to a circus can be. When i think of it, I feel like i’ve been walking in a hall of mirrors my entire life never quite knowing what is real. Everything is distorted to shape the world we want to see or the world someone else wants us to see.
I’ve always feared clowns and likened them to some malignant force. Painted smiles, empty laughs, how could anyone of such kind be anything but bad? Then i started to see the clowns in my life. They weren’t dressed in polka dots with red rubber noses. They were far worse. They looked just like everyone else. With their painted smiles and empty laughs they roamed the streets freely. They were deceitful yet alluring. You wanted to fall into their trap and see them wipe the grin off their face to reveal their true smirk of satisfaction at capturing their prey. Those were the clowns that haunted me growing up much more so then the ones traditionally seen.
It takes a while to realize that the real circus isn’t under a big top but in the world we live in today.
It has been a long, long time since we said adieu
Because I couldn’t stand the sight of you.
Your countless mistakes piled up like junk mail
And I couldn’t even put in the effort to press delete.
For why did I owe you even that much?
When you wrecked me with just one touch
All I saw was a devil inside you
Because I didn’t want to see even the smallest of angels.
Maybe it was a slight miscalculation
Which caused me to place you in eternal damnation?
All I know is the time has come for healing,
So i’ve really been struggling this past week in placing myself in life after high school. Being just another adolescent without a plan, I have found that i now stand at a point where i need to choose a path but they’re all so dark and scary. I can’t say i didn’t try to plan my future. I had my dreams. Unfortunately, life didn’t deal me a very good hand when i needed it and my dreams went up in a puff of smoke. It’s amazing how much difference pieces of paper can make. The lack of available finance made all the difference for me.
It really is crippling sometimes seeing your peers so driven, so accomplished, and comparing it with the void you feel inside. I can’t help making comparisons. It’s in my nature. I’m someone who loves a good competition and so it kills me when i see that i’m losing at life. How do they have it all figured out? I just cant grasp at why I can’t seem to catch a break when it comes to my future. This is the point where i come to doubt myself. Maybe its because i’m not smart enough, not skilled enough, not sociable enough? There has to be some explanation for why i stand so far behind those people whom i used to be equals with.
These feelings will always haunt me but for now i need to figure out how to get my life together.
Thinking about the life I have lived
And the stories they will tell about me,
It brings a sobbing smile to my face
For it is I who has to live with the weight of all I have done.
I cannot join the angelic choir
But neither can I be damned to hellfire.
For I am human after all –
An intricate mixture of the two.
But on nights as such I find the weight overwhelming.
The good. The bad.
There is nowhere to hide from my shame
And I know I’ve got no one else to blame.
But what I fail to realize is
All I have done, I did what circumstance dictated.
And it is on nights as such
That I should lock my demons away.
I don’t know why I get so tongue-tied when you’re around.
My lips can’t seem to make the proper sounds.
There’s so much I’m dying to tell you
But we just keep having simple conversations.
I’m only just scratching your surface.
There’s so much more to discover.
I want to know you like the back of my hand
But I can’t do it through simple conversations.
Trying hard to steer the chatter
To something more meaningful between you and I
But I try and I fail to no avail
So I guess I’ll stick to simple conversations.