So I know that I’ve been gone for the longest time. Heck, my last post was all the way back in January! That’s like 6 months without a single post. This does bother me immensely but there is reason hidden behind my silence. I’ve had an immensely tough year and usually, I use writing as a catharsis to help me move on from things but this time I just couldn’t. Every time I picked up a pen or opened a document I felt the voices in my head like a screaming, bitter orchestra. Every time I tried to write they chided me and told me it was all stupid and horrible. It was a crisis of faith in myself and my abilities and going to university and getting to interact with people of such incredible talent drove me further away from writing.
I experienced a lot of trauma over the year as well, some of which i didn’t dare even tell my closest of friends about. Everything I went through took a real toll on me and I reached my breaking point at the start of the summer. Because of these two things, I thought it would be better to try to focus on myself first and try to work my way back to a relatively healthy state. I’m glad to say that I finally broke free of my writer’s curse and am starting to write again. In fact, I have some new stuff coming up very soon and am going to be trying to work on a posting schedule to keep things more regular.
However, I’m still far from being in that healthy state that I have been trying to reach and somewhere in the middle of the summer, my situation deteriorated a little more after making some progress. But hopefully I’ll make it through ok and I’ve just gotta keep trying. All I know is that writing is so very important to me and I’ve always received encouragement for it so I’m going to fight hard to keep my spark alive. And finally, for those who still follow me and read my work, thanks for being so very patient with me.
Alright so excuse how the writing in this post is because im going to be rambling a little and i wont be doing much editing so it will just be a flow of thoughts. I’ve hit a bit of a roadblock in my pursuits as a writer and it has really taken a toll on me. I feel incapable of writing and it pains me so much because every day i just want to write and i feel the urge inside me desperately crying to be freed from the cage it is in. Every time i try to push through and write something i find myself deleting the few words i write before i can even think of whether there is something good amongst the rubbish heap.
For such a long time I have been able to come up with anything and that is why the blog has been dormant. So i’d like to apologize to my followers and people who actually keep up with the blog for not delivering anything for so long. I know that in order for a blog to work out consistency is key and i am severely lacking in that department. I can only hope that i somehow overcome my current struggle and rekindle the connection i had with writing not just for others but for myself too.
Hope everyone is having a great start to 2017.
Isn’t it great when you see an old buddy after years of no contact? But along with the excitement for the meeting comes uncertainty, nervousness, fear… I could go on but the list would never end. After all time has passed and people change. I know i’ve changed. Would they have changed too. Maybe they didn’t but you just never noticed some things about them. How well do you really know someone when you’re young? You play with them and they play with you and the system just works. In rare cases do kids sit and talk about the meaning of life and discuss the bigger questions. After all, if its not broken why try to fix it.
It’s quite an experience to be seated across from an old friend and see the far off look in their eyes. The distance that you finally overcame is only on the physical plane. Time takes its toll and with distance and time you become miles apart in the mind and the heart. It’s sad but true. Now so many things come into play when relationships are formed or broken. Ideologies, beliefs, opinions, likes, dislikes all drive wedges between the former kids who used to play so carelessly on the playground. All kids grow up and leave the playground eventually.
So I know i said I was going to come back at the end of last month but since then i’ve been struggling with every writer’s worst enemy – writers block. I just have so much I want to do but the fountain of ideas is running dry these days. I’ve been really wanting to start a novel and do some short story work while keeping my poetry writing consistent too. However, i’ve had no luck at any of those in recent days. I finally got a little inspiration to do something creepy after seeing the first look of Pennywise the Clown from the new IT movie. I hope i can work through my idealess struggle and accomplish what i want from my writing this summer. Hope you guys are having a nice week! 🙂
Sometimes you just need to think. Other times you just need to get away. But the reality of the situation is our lives often become too much for us to handle as people. This could lead to a breakdown or maybe just a break. It really depends on how you handle it. I for one have been through the fire this past month and did a bit of both. I broke down, i cried but i also took some steps back and tried to get away. I know that decisions are my worst enemy and the ones i had to make this month were brutal. They really took a toll on me in a way where i just couldn’t do certain things. However, it is our decisions that make us who we are and now that i’ve made mine I have to live with them and try to make the best of the situation. So i’m declaring my little hiatus or break from the blog over. I hope that i can be as inspired as i want to be and continue writing because it’s something I love.
So i’ve really been struggling this past week in placing myself in life after high school. Being just another adolescent without a plan, I have found that i now stand at a point where i need to choose a path but they’re all so dark and scary. I can’t say i didn’t try to plan my future. I had my dreams. Unfortunately, life didn’t deal me a very good hand when i needed it and my dreams went up in a puff of smoke. It’s amazing how much difference pieces of paper can make. The lack of available finance made all the difference for me.
It really is crippling sometimes seeing your peers so driven, so accomplished, and comparing it with the void you feel inside. I can’t help making comparisons. It’s in my nature. I’m someone who loves a good competition and so it kills me when i see that i’m losing at life. How do they have it all figured out? I just cant grasp at why I can’t seem to catch a break when it comes to my future. This is the point where i come to doubt myself. Maybe its because i’m not smart enough, not skilled enough, not sociable enough? There has to be some explanation for why i stand so far behind those people whom i used to be equals with.
These feelings will always haunt me but for now i need to figure out how to get my life together.