So after a lot of trying, I finally managed to write a poem. I know that it isn’t even close to perfect and really doesn’t compare to most of my previous work but I believe that in order to get over my little crisis I need to find my way back to how I used to be in regards to my writing. To this end, I would like to ask you guys to lend me some of your inspiration. Is there a particular method you use while writing? Is there a way you generate ideas? Do you have any ideas you would be willing to share with me? If you’d like to share please do. The comments section is waiting! 🙂
It really does strike me sometimes how true the comparison of life to a circus can be. When i think of it, I feel like i’ve been walking in a hall of mirrors my entire life never quite knowing what is real. Everything is distorted to shape the world we want to see or the world someone else wants us to see.
I’ve always feared clowns and likened them to some malignant force. Painted smiles, empty laughs, how could anyone of such kind be anything but bad? Then i started to see the clowns in my life. They weren’t dressed in polka dots with red rubber noses. They were far worse. They looked just like everyone else. With their painted smiles and empty laughs they roamed the streets freely. They were deceitful yet alluring. You wanted to fall into their trap and see them wipe the grin off their face to reveal their true smirk of satisfaction at capturing their prey. Those were the clowns that haunted me growing up much more so then the ones traditionally seen.
It takes a while to realize that the real circus isn’t under a big top but in the world we live in today.
Time and time again, i trip over my own feet. I get up and shrug it off saying i’ll be careful next time but time doesn’t seem to pass and i’m on the floor again, reassuring myself. I can’t help all the mistakes i’ve made and will continue to make. These mistakes are in the hands of something greater than me. I can only will myself not to succumb to the demons of my irrational mind. I cannot stop my destiny. So i sit there and cry, waiting, knowing that i’m going to trip again.
The others look at me funny.
“what a queer boy, why doesnt he help himself?”
I become nothing more than a cautionary tale in their eyes.
“Did you see that tear-stained simpleton? I just wish he were wiser”
The boy behind the stupidity slowly drowns until the actions are all that are left of the performer.
You came into my life when i least expected it like a cool breeze, balming to the touch. Being around you made me feel like a giddy preteen, figuring out how it was to crush on someone. You were tall and oh so handsome, a striking vision in a suit and tie. Your beautiful smirk fit so perfectly on your face and when you directed your attention towards me it felt like magic. You let me dream again and my head took its very familiar, abandoned spot in the clouds once again. But alas, I wasn’t the one you were looking for so now I sit here waiting patiently for my battered heart to come home once again.
You beckoned and I came running, so willing I was to do whatever was necessary to keep you happy.
At first I gave you my attention.
Following you around like a lost puppy, hanging on your every word and listening to the sound of your voice as you spoke softly and beautifully, I was glad to give you the importance I felt you so rightly deserved.
Then, I gave you my thoughts.
Day and night my mind would have its dalliances with the thought of you, your smile, your laugh, all of you.
After this I gave you my heart even though it was of no use to you. Then I gave you my time, I gave you my tears, I gave you my words. Slowly but surely, I gave it all to you.
So now, I stand here with nothing left to give and a simple request.
You can keep everything else, just give me back my sanity.
Looking back over the past few months I see you everywhere – in my thoughts, on my phone, by my side, so it becomes even stranger when I have to put you away from me.
The distance is a necessary precaution though.
You’re like my kryptonite and your glow makes me weak.
So I push you away.
I put up barriers so you can’t see me cry. I dodge corners when I see you pass but I still take a moment to gaze upon you.
But I feel an itch when I’m sitting idle, an itch to reach out to you, to talk to you, to forget whatever has passed and just let myself bask in that very glow that makes me weak.
Why do you have such a power over me?
It’s become sort of like a paradox of sorts, a dilemma if I may say so. I can’t live with you but i can’t live without you.
“Shhhhh” i said to my heart as it cried frantically, reaching out desperately towards you the first time my unworthy eyes laid themselves upon you. But it would not listen and that is the point where the rest of the story was determined. Maybe if my heart had listened to me then it wouldn’t be the pulverized mess it is now.
I made the biggest mistake of all however, when i allowed myself to dream. Whisked away by you in my thoughts as if you were my prince at the ball. But look at how things are now. You’ve found another prince to dance with and i’m forced to sit by and watch. Crushed dreams, crushed hopes, you crushed my heart. The funny part is that i don’t think you meant to.
Tears i’ve cried in regret, in anger, in yearning and it’s really taken a toll on me. How can i forgive all the heartbreak? at the same time how can i forget how i felt and still feel? You’re like the forbidden fruit just out of reach that i crave but am deprived of.
It has been a real rollercoaster ride loving you, with unbelievable highs but mostly soul crushing lows. But every time the ride slows down and threatens to stop, i stay on not willing to give up the tiny shred of hope that still persists. When will i learn that for me there is no chance of being loved by you? I wait for myself to gain some sense and leave, just turn away but every time your magnetic pull draws me back in no matter how much i fight it.
So now here i am on the floor sweeping the broken pieces of my heart into a dustpan so i can go and glue it back together. You still stand indifferent and unknowing of my condition in the arms of your other. I know that my fix will only be temporary as it is only a matter of time before i become engrossed in you again and as per the status quo, you break my heart again.
Its one of life’s cruel jokes when you really want something and life just waves it in front of your face. Its so close you can feel it brush against you but its just out of reach. You look on in hope that somethings going to change, waiting, patiently, for your chance to take a grab for the thing that eludes you. You see your chance and you pounce only to land face-first on the floor, scraping your knees and bruising yourself in the process.
You look up in the hope that life will take pity on your sorry state and hand you the object of your desire. But Life enjoys this game of cat and mouse too much. It ignores your pleas and keeps the game going in. All it gives you is a window seat: one from which you can watch over the thing you want the most. After all this time, you’re fated to be on the outside looking in.
Life throws at us many testing moments. Moments that test our limits and our ability to tolerate. But what do you do when you finally reach your limit? When you’re wallowing in the depths of your despair and can no longer see the light. Some people soldier on and show great endurance. Then there are people like me who’ve been wounded in the war of life one too many times.
Always telling ourselves that it wont happen again, that life will get better once we turn the next corner, we fool ourselves if only momentarily. On the inside that last test does too much damage but you can’t fall apart, not in front of all of them. You can’t show them your weakness and so you put on an act. An act that you are so accustomed to putting on that it’s almost second nature.
The darkness still drowns you behind that mask. It won’t go away no matter what you do. The limit has been passed and your brain can’t cope with it anymore. The loaded tears come cascading down but it doesn’t make you feel any better. That final blow keeps replaying in your head as you wonder: how did it get so bad?
It seems wherever i go this title seems to follow like an obedient dog wagging its tail. Don’t mistake this for me bragging. In fact, i’m sick of this ‘honor’.
“Hes a good guy”
“You’re a really nice guy”
Such phrases tag onto me after my first few encounters with people. But it leads me to wonder, why do the people who claim this never see me past this generalization? If i’m really such a good guy then why do i more often than not get dealt the short straws in life? Why do these very people push the ‘good guy’ away?
It also leads me to wonder what i’ve done to deserve the title: show a little kindness, a little humanity, a little compassion. These aren’t more than the general expectations from people. It doesn’t make me any better or any different than others.
Then the really dark thoughts start to sink in. Am i really the ‘good guy’ they call me? If they saw the whole picture i don’t believe they’d think so. The truth is that this ‘good guy’ is broken. He broke a long time ago. Flinching at the very mention of him as a ‘good guy’, he tries his best to make sure they don’t see enough of him to make a judgement. It was often by taking these empty praises so seriously that he broke this much. Now when he hears this term he prepares for the worst. After all, history tends to repeat itself.
(I apologize if this post is awful and doesn’t make any sense)